what the actual hell

I’m wondering what my problem is. You see, I don’t really want sex. At least not enough. I want to go ice skating and swimming and walking and reading and laughing and I just want to lay there and do absolutely nothing at all. I want to exchange little kisses on the cheek and the mouth and the neck and the collarbone. But I don’t really want more yet. I mean I should, he’s my boyfriend after all….but I don’t. And that’s a problem. I want cuddles and tickling and giggling and making out occasionally. But he wants so much more and I don’t quite know what to say. Is summer too long to ask someone to wait? Am I wrong in that? 

nope

Everyone around me is beautiful. My friends are beautiful, my sisters are beautiful, my boyfriend is beautiful, my dog is beautiful, my mom is beautiful, my acquaintances are beautiful, and my enemies are beautiful. 

I am not.

Everything around me is beautiful. The trees are beautiful, the mud is beautiful in its rich shades of earth, the sky is beautiful, the rain is beautiful, the wet asphalt is beautiful, the sheets are beautiful, the dishes are beautiful, the hardwood floor is beautiful, and the air I breathe is oh so beautiful.

I am not.

They tell me i’m “so pretty” but I know they’re just humoring me. There is nothing pretty about a square face, thick eyebrows, and crooked teeth. So why do they lie to me? The lies hurt worse than the truth and I want it to stop. I just don’t understand how everything around me can be so inexplicably beautiful and I can’t. 

Why was I given the short end of the stick? 

hmmm

So we’ve now seen each other in our bathing suits. I feel like I might as well have been naked but whatever. We still haven’t kissed or anything which kind of sucks. I’m willing to wait but I hope he doesn’t get bored of me. That would really suck…. I’m just not the kind of person to make a big move like that. My life is a struggle.

KISSING

So I just came to the realization that he might try to kiss me and I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO KISS OH SHIT. Do my lips go on top or bottom? Do I hug him or do I touch his face? Do I put my hands on his neck or his chest? SHIT SHIT SHIT. What if I’m grossed out by it? What if he tries to make out? I’M SCREWED. What if he doesn’t like my oily face? What if I slobber? asgsgres gsgwagagsgkh What do I do??? You’d think a sixteen year old would know how to kiss but I DON’T. 

Love?

To be honest, I don’t know if I’m bisexual, homosexual, or heterosexual. I mean, I have developed feelings for guys before but I don’t really know what that means. I’ve never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, I’ve never kissed anyone (ISN”T THAT PATHETIC? I’M ALMOST SEVENTEEN AND I’VE NEVER KISSED ANYONE). I am “talking” to a guy right now, but something just feels wrong. Maybe it’s my gut telling me that I really only like him because he likes me. I think we’re probably going to end up in a relationship, which is what I want I think. I want someone to kiss and give me chocolate and get mad at and tell me I’m not crazy. I want someone to want to have sex with me. I want human contact. 

What to do?

Do I continue with this uneasiness building or should I end it? He absolutely adores me, which would make it so much easier to get in a relationship. I don’t want him to be my first kiss. I don’t want him to be my first. He wants me, though…. I’m a pro at hurting people, so who knows what will happen? I’ll keep you updated. 

Eyes

Eyes are such weird things. Some say they are the windows into the soul, but I feel as if they are projections of the soul. Through windows, you can see pretty clearly, but projections are generally more clouded. Eyes are like projections because you may be able to obtain a good idea of what someone is composed, however there will always be mysterious things that can’t be noticed when looking into someone’s eyes. 

My eyes are blue, as mentioned before. I’ve had people tell me they’re beautiful all throughout my life, but I know they’re just the same color as most of the population. Sometimes they seem to turn a shade of gray, like the sky before a storm, when I’m sad. This actually happens a lot…..hmmmm. I guess I should go ahead and tell you guys that I  haven’t exactly had the happiest life. That’s for another post, though. 

I’ve always loved brown eyes- the deep, clear, brown kind. They have always seemed so exotic and truthful to me. I loved a boy in eighth grade who had the most beautiful brown eyes I had ever encountered. He was from Costa Rica and a freaking genius. I think I may still love him a little bit. It’s been a crazy three years since then. 

I’ve always wanted green eyes, like a rain forest. I’ve always thought they would bring curious glances….maybe they would think I was mysterious. Who knows? I just don’t want to be average. 

Who I Am

My name is - well, I can’t really tell you that because it would expose my identity and that would be unfortunate. I however, believe, that it is possible to know someone without knowing their name, but it may be difficult.

Anyway, I am sixteen and a half years old with curly hair (crazy curly hair), blue eyes, and I’m only about five feet, two inches tall. I’m not pretty; I’m actually pretty freaking ugly but I’m alright with that. I have enormous feet and hands, which kind of sucks because I’m so short and nobody likes oversized hands and feet. 

So that’s what my exterior shell is composed of. I’ll probably go further into detail later about some of this stuff because I think. A lot. I hope you enjoyed this post, or didn’t enjoy it - whatever gets you hooked. ;)