what the actual hell

I’m wondering what my problem is. You see, I don’t really want sex. At least not enough. I want to go ice skating and swimming and walking and reading and laughing and I just want to lay there and do absolutely nothing at all. I want to exchange little kisses on the cheek and the mouth and the neck and the collarbone. But I don’t really want more yet. I mean I should, he’s my boyfriend after all….but I don’t. And that’s a problem. I want cuddles and tickling and giggling and making out occasionally. But he wants so much more and I don’t quite know what to say. Is summer too long to ask someone to wait? Am I wrong in that? 


Everyone around me is beautiful. My friends are beautiful, my sisters are beautiful, my boyfriend is beautiful, my dog is beautiful, my mom is beautiful, my acquaintances are beautiful, and my enemies are beautiful. 

I am not.

Everything around me is beautiful. The trees are beautiful, the mud is beautiful in its rich shades of earth, the sky is beautiful, the rain is beautiful, the wet asphalt is beautiful, the sheets are beautiful, the dishes are beautiful, the hardwood floor is beautiful, and the air I breathe is oh so beautiful.

I am not.

They tell me i’m “so pretty” but I know they’re just humoring me. There is nothing pretty about a square face, thick eyebrows, and crooked teeth. So why do they lie to me? The lies hurt worse than the truth and I want it to stop. I just don’t understand how everything around me can be so inexplicably beautiful and I can’t. 

Why was I given the short end of the stick? 


So we’ve now seen each other in our bathing suits. I feel like I might as well have been naked but whatever. We still haven’t kissed or anything which kind of sucks. I’m willing to wait but I hope he doesn’t get bored of me. That would really suck…. I’m just not the kind of person to make a big move like that. My life is a struggle.


So I just came to the realization that he might try to kiss me and I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO KISS OH SHIT. Do my lips go on top or bottom? Do I hug him or do I touch his face? Do I put my hands on his neck or his chest? SHIT SHIT SHIT. What if I’m grossed out by it? What if he tries to make out? I’M SCREWED. What if he doesn’t like my oily face? What if I slobber? asgsgres gsgwagagsgkh What do I do??? You’d think a sixteen year old would know how to kiss but I DON’T. 


To be honest, I don’t know if I’m bisexual, homosexual, or heterosexual. I mean, I have developed feelings for guys before but I don’t really know what that means. I’ve never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, I’ve never kissed anyone (ISN”T THAT PATHETIC? I’M ALMOST SEVENTEEN AND I’VE NEVER KISSED ANYONE). I am “talking” to a guy right now, but something just feels wrong. Maybe it’s my gut telling me that I really only like him because he likes me. I think we’re probably going to end up in a relationship, which is what I want I think. I want someone to kiss and give me chocolate and get mad at and tell me I’m not crazy. I want someone to want to have sex with me. I want human contact. 

What to do?

Do I continue with this uneasiness building or should I end it? He absolutely adores me, which would make it so much easier to get in a relationship. I don’t want him to be my first kiss. I don’t want him to be my first. He wants me, though…. I’m a pro at hurting people, so who knows what will happen? I’ll keep you updated.